I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
