she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
