you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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