I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
should my penis look like a turkey
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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