I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
