Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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