You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
