Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
