remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
