Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
