He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm determined to sit on that face.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
