hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
