allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
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