the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
