my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
