i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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