where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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