I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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