Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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