You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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