if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
