I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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