i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
