My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?