I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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