if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
