the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
