I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
