Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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