life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
