It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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