I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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