Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
