Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
