I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
