rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
