im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
