You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize