I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
