i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
