I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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