The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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