I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
