So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
