Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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