I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
