I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I am naked and annoyed.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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