she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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