i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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