I puked a lego.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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