Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
