I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
